There has been countless times in the past I ended up drifting away from God. Thinking, maybe I can get by just fine without Him. He’s taking too long to come through for me anyways… Waiting is not something I do very well. Like for real, it’s like I start to twitch when I have to wait. I really dislike waiting so I would try to conquer that by always managing my time well. I love to plan ahead, get things sorted, put things in place, just so I wouldn’t have to wait. I tried not to keep people waiting so they would always think when the situation is reversed, Karmel is always early so don’t let me keep her waiting, but it seldom worked.
When I’m hit with an uncontrollable situation where I have to wait, I’d start to have a panic attack. This is not how it was supposed to go, I planned everything step by step, or it needed to be completed by such and such time so that I can do this in order for me to get that.. *big sighs*. God I asked you to let this go accordingly. *bigger sigh*
In actuality I was trying to control my own life. I didn’t trust God even though I would say I do. I wanted God to do things my way. When he didn’t it would put distance between us. Why should I even pray when God doesn’t even listen? *eye rolling*
Most of my drifting has always been because I didn’t like to wait. Ok I’m done with God, I’m going to do this my way. And guess what happens… Yea you guessed it, I’d make things so much worse. If I had just waited in the first place, it wouldn’t have turned out like this. Taking things into my own hands was a way of telling God I can do a better job than He could.
As a teenager I asked God to teach me how to wait. How I wished I could take back that prayer. I never thought I’d still be getting lessons up until today. I’d failed so many lessons and I wanted God to give me a free pass. Just put me to the other level forget about that prayer I made so long ago. But God is faithful to His promises.
No matter how much I try to stay on top of things, I still have to let go and trust God. I’m learning that now. Every time I take matters into my own hand it gets crazy. So as I journey with Christ I’m letting go, letting go of all my anxieties and worries, my dreams and aspirations. God really does know best. Looking back on my life I have so many ahhhhh moments. Oh God that’s why you allowed that to happen? WOW!!! Seeing the things God was trying to keep me from and understanding why he allowed certain to happen, that scripture comes to mind All things work together for good…
Never again!!! Will I try to take God out of the picture. Never again!!! Will I walk away from Him. Being far away from God is the last thing I want to do. Now that I know what being close to Him feels like. I never want to leave.
There’s a peace in my soul when I’m with Him!
Even in the storm He’s going to see me through!